Sleep Industrial Complex
Toxic mattresses, sleep training and transitioning our toddler to her very first bed.
I write this from bed after a two-hour-long battle to get my daughter to sleep. The other day, I came across this reel on IG and have never felt so seen.
Bedtime is when some of my least proud parenting moments happen. Frustration bubbles up inside, and my inner Judge Judy is unleashed. Google will tell you that thirty minutes is a long time for your kid to fall asleep, but the gift of fellow mom friends and community is knowing that there’s nothing wrong with you or your child if it takes four times that. A quick internet search will also tell you that by nurturing your child to sleep, you create a dependency that will drive you absolutely mad. They might be right about that part, but I wouldn’t change it for the world because I know these moments are fleeting and I know the benefits of nurture will serve her now and throughout her life.
As soon as her body melts into my arm (numb from nerve compression), my woes melt away. Her sleep triggers an exhale in me. When the precious little Energizer bunny finally turns her battery off for the night, I forget about the play-dough that was smooshed into the jute carpet earlier and the blood, sweat, and tears it took to get her to sleep. There's nothing so sweet as watching your baby’s chest rise and fall as they sleep and smelling the sweetness of their breath on your face.
If you follow me on IG or have read my book, you know I am a huge advocate of co-sleeping and bed-sharing. As an co-sleeper alumnus myself, I feel personally invested in keeping the tradition alive. After all, it is only in recent history that parents have been told to fear the safety of a practice that has kept infants safe since the beginning of time. You can read my post here to learn about the benefits, and the book "Safe Infant Sleep" by James Makenna is a must-read for all expecting parents.
Skeptics and even some regretful parents love perpetuating the myth that a co-sleeping kid will never leave your bed, never learn independence, and if you let them nurse through the night, that eventual night weaning will be hell.
Well, I am here to debunk these myths and tell you that my two-and-a-half-year-old daughter, who has never been sleep-trained, started sleeping through the night at 22 months. She now sleeps in her very own big girl bed (in our room, of course!) and was successfully night-weaned at 17 months - yet it was indeed hell. You can learn more about our approach to night weaning here. **If you’re a paid subscriber, you can access it for free**
People also love to blame marital strife on bed-sharing. To that, I say, if the connection of your marriage and sex life depends on your sleeping space, your marriage might be a bit of a snooze fest to begin with.
I didn’t know what to expect when transitioning our daughter from our bed to her own bed. We were in such a good place with her finallllyyyyy sleeping soundly through the night. Would this derail us? Well, the cute little feet that kick my sleeping face are growing bigger every day, so I decided, no time like the present.
We chose to transition her to her own bed in our room instead of her own room for several reasons: 1) I am not ready for her to leave my room. I like being able to peek over at her at night. 2) If and when any night wakes happen, I want to be able to comfort her audibly or easily with minimal effort and sleep disturbance (another one of the great perks of co-sleeping). 3) We want our guest room to remain a guest room for as long as possible.
I chose this cute bed frame and this Naturepedic mattress in full size so that I can comfortably join her in bed if need be. It is designed for kids but strong enough for adults too. I also bought this waterproof cover, a must. We built the bed together, I believe helped instill a sense of pride and excitement that made her want to sleep in it.
Her sheets are Shabby Chic, which is very nostalgic for me. My childhood bed was dressed in Shabby Chic bedding. I took the same three sets to summer camp, to college, to my first apartment, and still use them in our home today! These sheets have lasted decades, and I was over the moon to receive a new set from the queen of cottage-core herself, Rachel Ashwell.
Most conventional mattresses are made using material treated with thousands of toxic chemicals, flame retardants, and Volatile Organic Compounds (VOCs). According to the Environmental Working Group (EWG), some of these harmful chemicals can cause respiratory irritation, cancer, hormone disruption, adverse effects on the immune system, damage to developing reproductive systems, or other health problems. In babies and young children especially, these toxins have increasingly been linked to asthma.
Research has shown that environmentally poisonous nerve gases like phosphine, arsine, and stibine created from conventional crib mattress materials may explain why SIDS rates drop when babies sleep on their backs. When on their backs, they are not inhaling these chemicals in the same way as they would be on their bellies. With such delicate and developing respiratory and immune systems, babies should avoid exposure to these toxins altogether.
If you are reading this as an expecting mom who is anticipating sleepless nights ahead, you got this. It you are a new mom exhausted to your core, hang in there. Remember, no industry capitalizes on the challenges of parenthood quite like the Sleep Industrial Complex does. Well, except for the formula industry of course. One report indicates the baby sleep market value is approximately $6.5 billion in 2023, projected to reach $10.2 billion by 2032. The thing your baby needs more than any gizmo, gadget or training course is YOU.
I have to confess that during the torturous sleep deprivation of the four-month sleep “regression”, I caved to spending $299 on a “gentle” cry-it-out online sleep training course that everyone seemed to swear by. After watching the first five minutes, I returned to my senses. Hearing this woman instruct mothers to leave their babies to cry alone as the promised solution reminded me that I would rather be traumatized by exhaustion than my daughter be traumatized by neglect. In this approach parent are instructed to sit across the room in a chair if things escalate, NO touching! This harrowing visual solidified what I knew in my heart to be true, babies are meant to be held and loved on while they fall asleep. God forbid they learn to expect your comfort or learn that turning towards connection in times of struggle is the most valuable tool we have through every stage of life. Their need for connection is no less important when the sun goes down. Remember this season is temporary, so try to hold on to the bittersweet truth that the only constant in parenthood is change. Just when you think you can’t survive another night, they sleep! Right when you think you have it all figured out, a new tooth erupts… again.
In the middle of the night last night, my daughter woke up, “Mommy Mommy, come here. Rock me like a baby ”. I crawled into bed with her and did exactly that. I propped myself in a position that I could comfortably fall back asleep in as I rocked her. After all, this is why I chose a full size bed instead of a twin bed. What happened next made me feel validated in my choices to keep her close, knowing that our attachment will only make her more confident in her independence in time. “Okay Mommy, I am going to sleep in my bed. You sleep in your bed.” She kissed me and nodded towards my bed, giving me permission to part ways.
I know tonight may hold a different story, one where my arm goes numb while we fall asleep wrapped in each other's arms after an hour long battle and I wake up with a toe in my ear. Nothing about being human, big or small, is linear. The sleep process is no different. Having the flexibility and fortitude to face the ebb and flow is all I can attempt to control as a parent. Easier written than done! The sleep training we all could benefit from as parents is the training that help us reflect on our own patterns, messaging and triggers. Our unease with tears and tantrums is often a learned behavior from our own parents and a culture that has conditioned us to believe everything good should come easy.